The Demon Slayer
Demon Slayer (f/11 1/5s 16mm ISO100) Taken a few days after my birthday, I’ve decided this quiet morning was the perfect gift to myself.
This particular morning was a much-needed birthday gift to myself, thinking back. It was so quiet and my mind could do little more than alternate between fighting demons and feeling deep gratitude and appreciation for the challenges, opportunities, and friends who have helped me in countless ways this year. Negative, toxic thoughts insisted on competing for brain space with the lighter, appreciative, actual me, but this quiet spot helped me break things down and gain clarity amidst the fog.
What demons, you ask? Without getting into specifics: pinches of guilt, embarrassment, regret. Probably some fear of the unknown as I enter my fortieth year. Tablespoons of imposter syndrome, desire to conform, innate laziness, fear of failure. Some of these were rooted (falsely) in recent events, while some were, and will always be, part of trying to live a creative life as much as possible.
What this quiet time helped me to realize was that all the silly brain noise was simply emotional baggage that, once identified, could be consciously reduced and ignored. Not to say those feelings were invalid, necessarily, but in the end most of the petty mental garbage I had created was fairly meaningless. I decided the only thing that truly matters is meaningfulness that reveals itself, when I’m willing to put effort into distilling it.
This small window of clarity was just enough to allow the brighter, elevated side to win the battle that morning. A wave of relief and calm introduced itself as all the distracting, negative chatter melted away. I could then focus on this interesting dormant tree on the opposite bank, which I had found scouting a few days prior. Finally, conditions had arrived that I believed genuinely spoke for what I’d been going through. The contrast between the low morning sun illuminating the distant mountain, and faint fog on the small pond, seemed to promise, inspire, and uplift.
The more time I spend in places like this, away from my phone, laptop and other manufactured life, the more clearly I can remember what’s truly important, and if there could be one gift I’m allowed to give all the folks I care about it’s the ability to find the means, and desire, to spend loads of deep time in nature with only their thoughts for company. It’s not always easy or fun in the traditional sense but it is always at least a little rewarding, and very often meaningful. Our world is expertly designed to distract, and keep us compliant to industry and commerce. Nothing about this is conducive to mental health.
Adrift ( f/11 1/5 135mm ISO100) Taken the same day.
The technical aspects of photography, the “rules” and guidelines, used to fascinate me earlier on when this was my “pandemic project”, but I’m learning it’s really always been about expression. The pace of what I do now is much slower and more deliberate, but it’s actually a better reflection of who I am and what I’m feeling when I’m in the field. I’ll go out for a hike or camp somewhere nice and quiet, and often don’t even take a photo. But if a scene presents itself that I connect with, then my process now requires a good bit of reflection on what the photo is about instead of merely what it is. That’s where my photography is trending, and I’m looking forward to keeping at it into the new year.
This year has been a hell of a ride for me, personally and professionally, some of it amazing and some of it shit, but here at the close of 2021 I’m excited to be alive and insanely grateful for all the love I’ve been shown. If you’re still reading, thank you so much for all the support and I hope you’re well.
Have a safe and Happy New Year!
